I’m Depressed (I was; not anymore)

It hits me every now and then. It hits me hard. It’s debilitating. I used to smoke, drink, and eat way too much and sleep all day when I felt this way. Now I tend to watch too much TV and procrastinate and sleep all day. I cannot get anything done when I am like this. I get angry at myself. I hate this. I feel weak. I feel like I need help, yet that is the last thing I want. If I am honest, I hate feeling this way, yet I want to feel this way right now.

People are going to read this. I’m publishing this on my website. That scares me. I consider myself almost fearless, but admitting any weakness scares me. It’s not because I am one of those tough guys who refuses to admit when they are hurt or need help. It’s because I used to be a wuss who always needed help and always got hurt. And I fixed that about me. I changed. And now if I am hurt or need help, I have learned to fix myself.

But sometimes depression hits me before I even know it is coming. If I know it’s coming, I can take steps to prevent it. Once it hits me, the steps are the same, and I still know what to do, but I don’t want to do it.

Right now I want to lay in bed and sleep. I do not want to be writing this article. I do not want to admit my weakness. I do not want to feel better. I do not want a bunch of sympathy. I do not want a bunch of suggestions. I want everyone to fuck off and leave me alone.

When I was in a relationship, it was easier. I had to get over depression fast when I was in a relationship because I had to set an example. I had to be the man.

When I felt bad I would usually make my girlfriend feel good. It made me feel better. Of course, more than once I was an asshole about it. I sometimes took it all out on her, then convinced her that it was all her fault, and then apologized, and then we both felt better.

I hope I never do that again.

But now that I am single, I am alone with my thoughts.

I just made a lot of commitments with this magazine, and I have to keep moving. I don’t have time to wallow. I don’t have time to do what I have done in the past, which is to just accept the fact that I am “in a funk,” feel what I feel, and know that I will get over it.

I am prone to depression. I’ve been through a lot and sometimes memories make life hard. I am writing a book about it (or I should say I am trying to write a book about it) and it messes me up. But I always get over it because I know what to do.

I exercise. Sometimes I don’t feel like I can move a pound, but I do it anyway. It’s so difficult to work out when I’m depressed. But I go to the gym, I take my time, and I move my body and I move weight. I turn my desire to self destruct into a desire to hurt myself via physical exertion.
I exercise. Sometimes I don’t feel like I can move a pound, but I do it anyway. It’s so difficult to work out when I’m depressed. But I go to the gym, I take my time, and I move my body and I move weight. I turn my desire to self destruct into a desire to hurt myself via physical exertion.
I make sure I get enough B vitamins. And I don’t do stupid things like go out drinking which wipes out my B vitamins and exacerbates the problem. (Please ignore the fact that I did this last night.)
I get enough healthy fats, which are needed to process B vitamins.
I make sure my diet is clean, even though I do crave junk food when I am depressed.
I get sunlight. I sunbathe. I don’t use sunscreen. If it’s cloudy I will take vitamin D.
I get grounded. I connect with the earth. I put my bare feet on the ground. I walk. I sit. I smell.
I focus on the little things and on the interesting.
I stay in the moment. There are no problems in the moment.
I clean up. My home represents how I feel. So does my appearance. I clean myself up and I clean my home.

But I don’t feel like doing any of this right now. I don’t give a damn. I just want to feel depressed and be angry at myself for being depressed. I want to hurt. I’d like to get in the ring with someone and either beat the crap out of them or get the crap beat out of me. Either one would be good. That would be worth getting out of bed for.

But I don’t have that option.

Normally, I would give it a day or two, feel how I feel, and then start doing the list whether I wanted to or not.

I don’t have time to just let this pass. I don’t have a couple of days to feel depressed and do nothing.

So I am putting this out there. I am publishing this for all of my friends, family, and magazine readers to see. And After I publish this I am going to go running at 12am. Then I am going to get a bunch of work done no matter how hard it is. Because there is one character trait I have developed throughout my life that has helped me in many situations and will help me here. I cannot admit that I have a problem without deciding to fix it. I cannot admit that I have a weakness without choosing to strengthen myself. I cannot write this article, publish it on the website for the world to see, and then go back to bed.

I don’t know if this will help anyone. It is certainly written more for me than anyone else. But I have an idea. To insure that this article could help people, I propose that readers comment below and tell us how they deal with depression.

What do you do? Maybe you feel a little down and you know just what to do to cheer yourself up. Or maybe you suffer from clinical, debilitating depression and it is a constant battle in your life, and you know a few things that help.

Now I am going to go running. Damn. I really just want to go back to bed.

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