My grandson, Joaquin, has been going through a phase where he says no sometimes when he means yes and yes when he means no. For him, it is not the wonder of life’s possibilities. It seems he does it just to have something to fuss about.  If we know he is setting himself up for disappointment, we do attempt to reason with him. But when he decides to hold firm to his decision, so do we. No do-overs.

I was thinking about this last night, and I realized that as adults every day brings us the potential for a do-over or a new direction, be it subtle or dramatic. Every day is a new possibility. Every moment, really.

So why is it so hard for us to change? We see something logically. We accept it. We choose it. We want it. And too often we sabotage ourselves. Too often, self-sabotage is followed by completely giving up.

Well this time I haven’t given up. Though I am doing very well on the smoking ban, I can’t say the same for my cleansing diet. I haven’t been eating badly. I just haven’t been eating what I said I would eat. I let life get in the way. Each day I said I would get back on track tomorrow. But I didn’t.

I also had a nagging fear. A fear that made me want to stay in denial and pretend everything was fine, even though I knew deep down in my bones that it wasn’t, and that I needed a serious long-term cleanse. I was afraid my blood sugar was high.

I know diabetes causes decreased blood flow and could be a part of the issue with my eye, but I didn’t want to face it. I didn’t want more food restrictions. I didn’t want any part of it. I didn’t want to know. But I had to face it and deal with it. So I finally tested my blood sugar and sure enough it was high–really high.

So I had a talk with Michael last night and got back on track to start my do-over today. Then once again, life happened.

I live with my youngest son and his family. We both work at the university, 27 miles from home. I had planned to juice my lemons this morning and make salad dressing before going to work.  My salad stuff was already made. But my son, Joel, called and said he left his wallet at home and needed it desperately, as soon as possible. For one second I thought, “My diet can wait until tomorrow.” But I didn’t wait.  I grabbed my salad, mixed up cranberry lemonade with stevia and cayenne from bottled lemon juice, and I ran out the door.

I could always buy what I needed for dressing at the store, right? Not today! My next challenge was Mother Nature. Right about the time I was ready to go to the store, sirens went off. Two tornadoes were passing by with torrential rain. I wasn’t going anywhere.

But I did prevail. I ate my salad plain.

So today has been a good day.

Bet you thought I gave up already—that I fell off the diet and crawled away to hide. Nope. Here’s what I have to report: the weight loss isn’t going so well, but other things are great.

The best news I have to report is that I am not smoking. Not at all. Not one bit. Nada. (I am taking a pause here to listen to imaginary applause. Yes, I really am doing that. It helps.) Other good news is that I’m not thinking about smoking, either…except when I see someone smoking on TV, or I feel stressed out by a work deadline, or I am writing about how I am not thinking about smoking!

Not smoking is already helping my circulation. Aside from my optic nerve, I have another marker to measure my progress. My right thumbnail thickened, pulled away from the nail bed on one side, and curved inward (think of an ingrown toenail). Now the root of the nail is adhering to the nail bed again—a sure sign of increased blood flow.

Now the not so good news.

A little more than a week ago, I had a run in with a cherry pie. Did you have one favorite food as a child? Something that you rarely ate? A food so magnificent it topped every other food by a mile? For me, that food was cherry pie.

When I grew up, I still didn’t eat it very often. But it remained my favorite food.

When I stopped eating gluten 7 years ago, I stopped eating cherry pie—except for the two times I bought a tiny, one person size, gluten free pie from Whole Foods for the outrageous price of ten dollars apiece. So imagine my surprise when my son Joel brought home a nearly normal size, gluten free cherry pie on his birthday.

I was all ready to politely decline cake, cookies, hard apple cider, or any other treats he and his wife brought home to celebrate the day. But when Joel asked me if I wanted cherry pie, I said, “I just started a diet! Yes, please!”  There wasn’t even a decent pause between the two sentences. And the, “Yes, please!” was much louder and emphatic than the sentence that came before.

The next day I told Michael about how I had emotionally beaten myself up for having absolutely no control when it comes to cherry pie. I loved his response. He wants me to end the guilt, to find every way I can to stop beating myself up about food. I am going to break the cycle. And I am going to start by preempting guilt; I will earn treats ahead of time.

Michael used the analogy of purchasing something I want with cash vs. credit. The next time I really want cherry pie, I will exercise especially hard BEFORE I eat it. No punishing myself after, no negative talk, no punitive exercise. I will earn it. I love that idea. I love it so much I have not had to use it. There is a real security in knowing you can eat whatever you want. Then, you don’t necessarily want it.

The day after the cherry pie, Joel brought home something else—a horrible virus, one related to whooping cough. I know this because we have had whooping cough. Like that monster virus, this one produced tons of mucous and coughing fits that persisted until he vomited. Luckily, I skipped the vomiting. Instead I perfected the art of coughing uncontrollably and sneezing at the same time. That was a new one on me. And it was very entertaining except for the explosive dynamic of it all causing me to wet my pants on more than one occasion. TMI?

So I, the woman who prides herself on never getting sick, have been really sick for the last week. I still am. I have not been following my eating plan of all raw food. And I have not lost any more weight. However…

• I have eaten one large very healthy salad every day plus raw fruit.
• I have continued with my organic raw lemonade with cayenne and stevia.
• Other than the cherry pie, I have not eaten any sweets or junk food.
• I have not eaten out except for eating at the salad bar at the farmers market.
• I have not eaten any white rice or noodles.

I am not really on a “diet.” I am changing my diet. I am changing my lifestyle. So this is true success; success I can build on.

Tomorrow, I start over on my cleansing diet. Not because I have to. Not because I failed. Because I want to.

The Wake Up Call – February 22 – Day 6

Yesterday was moving day. Not the kind where furniture is lifted—the kind where lazy bodies are put into motion.

I decided to start with walking each day as my first basic exercise. But before I took that walk, I gave considerable thought to what I like and don’t like about walking. Through this intense contemplation, I do believe I found the fatal flaw for inexperienced walkers like me.

I never know how far to walk. Either I push it too far and feel like I am going to die before I can make it back home, or I turn around too soon and don’t walk far enough. Either way, I don’t enjoy walking as much as I would like to or feel as accomplished as I would like.

So I came up with a solution. I will walk as far as I can in one direction and then call home for a ride. This temporary support from my family will allow me to easily push myself farther each day at a faster pace.

My second exercise is one Michael made up for me a few years back. We call them “getups”. You lie down on the floor, on your back. Roll to the right and get up. Lie back down. Roll to the left and get up. Make sure you alternate the foot you start with to stand. Okay. Go ahead and laugh. Now do twenty getups as fast as you can. Are you still laughing?

Think about it. Each getup is a sit-up, a pushup, a squat, and more. Problem is, there is no room in this house to do getups. Seriously, no room. I’ll have to do them in the park. But I want to add something to my walking, so today I will add chair squats. Standing and sitting a bunch of times—no hands or push-offs allowed.

Moving, moving, moving. Moving moves the blood. Moving moves the lymph. Now I will explain why I don’t want to make an appointment with the eye specialist.

I don’t think non-pressure glaucoma should even be called glaucoma. As far as I can, it is just another optic nerve problem of unknown origin, that looks the same. Non-pressure glaucoma is a mystery. They don’t know what causes it. The two main types of glaucoma are caused by increased/abnormal pressure in the eye. This is treated with drugs and/or surgery. So what do doctors in their infinite wisdom do to treat non-pressure glaucoma? They lower the normal eye pressure to below normal through drugs and/or surgery.

Sorry guys. That’s just plain stupid as far as I can see.

Many eye doctors think non-pressure type of glaucoma is caused by a lack of blood flow to the optic nerve. So blood flow is what my diet and exercise routine will address. I’m going to increase blood flow, clean up my blood, and eliminate any autoimmune response I can control.

I will check my eyes in a few weeks to see if the swelling has gone down. And I will research conventional treatment modalities and their efficacy. But I doubt I will have to resort to conventional medicine, which as usual, would treat the symptoms but not the cause. Except in this case I don’t think that is even true. They can’t treat the symptom (high pressure in the eye) if the pressure is normal. Lowering the normal pressure is more like “do something rather than nothing.” No thank you. Not now. Probably not ever.

My first memory of food is a hamburger. It might have been McDonald’s. They were just taking off when I was a kid. Anyway, I was four and was devastated to find my burger covered in mustard and onions!  I was hungry. Really, really hungry. But I couldn’t eat that nasty thing.  Mom was sympathetic.

My second memory was my mom giving me the starving kids in China speech. I was only five, but I knew that finishing my dinner didn’t have a damn thing to do with hungry kids on the other side of the world.

It is my third early memory of food that set the foundation for a lifelong, dysfunctional relationship with food.  At age six I was a large framed, muscular child. My stepmother decided I was fat. Her solution was to withhold food. My brother and sister were allowed snacks after school. Not me. It didn’t matter that I was hungry. No snack. I remember the hunger as physical and emotional pain.

I had lost my mother who loved me and cared for me. And now this woman, my stepmother, did not care if I was in pain. The battle lines were drawn, and I quickly learned to equate food with love.

I have ridden the roller coaster ride of a love-hate relationship with food ever since.  I have used food to soothe myself, to cope with anxiety, stress, and pain. I have withheld food to punish myself. Mostly, I have used my lack of discipline and control with food as a means to undermine my self esteem and self worth all my life.

I don’t believe the answer lies in hating food or in developing an indifference to it. My goal is to understand it. To befriend it. Who knows–maybe we will go beyond friendship all the way to love.  That’s what I want to do; I want to really love food. I want to love it so much that I choose the best food, the most nutritious food, for my body. I want to celebrate food!

Step one is a three day fast on lemon/ cranberry juice with stevia and cayenne. Today is day three.

Postscript

I know I said that today I would explain why I don’t want to see an eye specialist, but I’m putting it off. I’m just not in the mood to rant about conventional medicine and all its stupidity right now.  But I promise I will explain soon for anyone who hasn’t already guessed.

Nearly everyone I know has disconnected the cause and effect of their food intake and their health, especially as they age

Memory is a funny thing. We think we remember the past, maybe even think we remember it well, and then we run across a letter, a journal entry, a list—and discover that our memories are woefully incomplete.

Worse yet is the tendency to downplay or ignore cause and effect when we are faced with making major changes in diet or lifestyle.  We don’t want to remember that there are patterns of pain or disease when we are faced with giving up foods we love.

I was reminded of these tendencies when I ran across a list of symptoms I put together for medical doctors back in the day when I wasted a few thousand dollars chasing a definitive diagnosis for my auto-immune “disease.”

Oh, I remember that it was bad—horrific, actually. I remember the day I stood at the bottom of a flight of stairs at work and cried because I just couldn’t make myself climb them. And I remember the day I sat with my accountant struggling with a mental fog so profound that my lack of short term memory made coherent speech nearly impossible. I remember how my joints, my bones, my muscles, and my organs hurt. But I didn’t remember half of the actual acute and painful symptoms on that list, like the blisters inside my mouth or the lumps in my salivary glands.

This started me thinking about my journey towards health. Once the worst of the  acute symptoms were under control and I felt significantly better, the denial of cause and effect took over. Sometimes when I ate bread or other wheat, my heel hurt so badly I could barely walk. Sometimes I broke out in weeping rashes. My joints ached. My muscles hurt. Sometimes the symptoms appeared within a few hours, sometimes the next day, sometimes in three days.

These discrepancies were enough to allow me to dig a deep, deep trench of denial—to crawl inside and eat my pizza, French bread, and cookies for years. It wasn’t until I mentioned these symptoms to a friend who sent me a link on Celiac disease that I stopped pretending the cause and effect wasn’t clear and convincing. It wasn’t until I understood that every time I ate gluten more of the cilia in my gut was destroyed, and it became harder and harder for my body to pull nutrients from the good food I was eating. That’s when I gave up gluten.

But I still hadn’t conquered sugar.

Now mind you, I always ate better than the Standard American Diet. For years I had eaten more fresh food than anyone I knew. I’d given up sodas and nearly every food with preservatives, food coloring, or flavorings except for the occasional bag of Cheetos.. I avoided MSG, except when I ate out (See how it works?).  I limited my chocolate intake, but I kept ignoring the fact that sugar feeds Candida, even though my ear and my gums hurt every time I ate it and other nasty symptoms popped up, too.

You see, I felt so much better than I had at the height of my illness, I ignored the pain and discomfort I still lived with every single day.

I am happy to say I finally adopted the motto, “If it makes you hurt, don’t do it dummy!” and I eliminated hidden gluten from my diet and really cut out sugar (almost completely). It was then that I discovered the third piece of the puzzle: I was vitamin D deficient. Wow! What a difference a little vitamin D made!

When you live with chronic pain, you learn to ignore it (as much as is humanly possible). You stop remembering what it feels like to actually feel good. When the day comes that you wake up pain free, cause and effect takes on a whole new meaning. Once I reached this level of health, I knew every single time a tiny bit of gluten slipped through my defenses. I could feel it in the stiff muscles of my back and neck as well as other muscles that tightened up or became inflamed. I discovered that every single time I ate refined sugar my glands, my ear, my sinuses or something else ached.

Nearly everyone I know (other than the majority of my Facebook friends who are health nuts) has disconnected the cause and effect of their food intake and their health, especially as they age. Most of my friends drink alcohol. They eat out of cans and boxes and nuke their food with a microwave. They hurt. They are sick. And they all accept their symptoms or illnesses as an inevitable side effect of aging.

I even have a dear friend recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s who told me there is no way she can eat a clean healthy diet of all fresh, organic food. The thought of giving up canned food and possibly shopping more than once a week was just too much to ask. So I didn’t even bother to talk to her about giving up alcohol. Cause and effect. Pure and simple.

If you are sitting on the fence in contemplating a healthy lifestyle, whether it is a radical change or just a further shift towards health, I strongly suggest you start a journal. Write down all of your symptoms—everything that hurts or isn’t optimal. Then do a cleanse and follow it up with a truly healthy diet until you are symptom free and pain free. Once again, write down how you feel and compare it to your first journal entry.

Every time you feel sick or you hurt, or you have no energy, take an honest inventory of everything you ate for the previous 3-4 days and write it down. Be honest with yourself. I am willing to bet you will soon discover your own cause and effect. And with the proof right there staring you in the face, maybe you won’t waste years like I did fooling yourself. You’ll find the strength to heal yourself and live a happier, healthier life.

I love good kitchen equipment—non toxic, well designed, long lasting equipment. However, there are some non-toxic kitchen appliances that are difficult or impossible to find.

Take electric waffle makers for instance. You can buy small round ones, rectangular ones, or big square ones. Some flip over while others are gymnastically challenged.  Their prices range from $15.00 to hundreds of dollars. But every single one I can find is coated with a non-stick cooking surface.

Why can’t somebody make an affordable waffle iron with pop off cast iron plates? Remember cast iron? The original non-stick surface? All you have to do is season it right and maintain it. And if you screw it up by washing it with soap or forgetting to oil it, it’s still foolproof. You just start over by seasoning it again. Its surface won’t flake off or scratch off to contaminate your food. You won’t find its chemicals in your bloodstream (though your iron count might rise a bit). And it doesn’t emit toxic fumes guaranteed to poison you and kill your pet birds. (Yes, the fumes from over-heated non stick pans or appliances really do kill pet birds).

A few years ago, I bought a small cast iron waffle maker made for camping or the kitchen, but I’ve never used it. The problem is this: I can clearly imagine batter oozing out the sides and onto the burner of the stove while I burn the waffles.

Waffle irons aren’t the only problem. Lately, I’ve been thinking about buying a bread maker. Every single one I looked at was non-stick. And then I was looking into electric rice steamers. Imagine my disgust when I ran into the same problem.

Plastics, aluminum, and non-stick pots, pans, and appliances have no place in a healthy kitchen!

On the upside, I recently found that Lodge makes cast iron woks, muffin pans, and two burner griddles along with a bunch of other interesting cookware and you can finally buy a stainless steel Sweet and Easy popcorn popper.. (I’ve wanted one for years, but they only made aluminum.)

But this good news does not take care of my waffle problem. Maybe it’s a sign that I should speed up my slow transition to a raw vegan diet and never concern myself with cookware again. That would solve the problem.

So easy!

The more I read, watch videos, and listen to testimonials, the more I believe in the power of raw foods. I’m still not convinced that a 100% raw diet is best, but there is no doubt in my mind that an 80-90% raw diet will result in better, if not optimal, health. To that end, I have been experimenting with raw kale salads for the past two weeks.

The first step in making a kale salad is the oil massage. Chop up a bunch of kale, put it in a bowl, and drizzle it with oil. Then dig in with both hands and massage the oil into the kale until the leaves soften. This is actually fun. Messy, yes, but fun.

Each of the following combinations begins with the oil massage, so add other ingredients as the second step.

Salad 1. Add raw beets cut with a spiral slicer. Drizzle with balsamic vinegar.

Salad 2. Add raw beets cut with a spiral slicer. Juice two limes and stir in 2 tablespoons of honey. Drizzle over the kale and mix well.

Salad 3. Add pine nuts and a little bit of crushed garlic and a touch of balsamic vinegar (see image).

Salad 4. Add carrots strips (I used a potato peeler for this), a handful of raisins, and a handful of walnuts. Add balsamic vinegar and a squirt of honey. Mix well.

Salad 5. Add 2 finely chopped apples, a handful of raisins, and a handful of walnuts. Add balsamic vinegar and a squirt of honey. Mix well.

Salad 6. Same as salad 4 but substitute rice vinegar.

Salad 7. Add 2 finely chopped apples, two oranges cut into small pieces, a handful of walnuts, a handful of raisins, balsamic vinegar and a squirt of honey.  Taste. Add more honey!

Warning: The night I made salad number 7, I went back for seconds. I was too late.

Try your own variations, and let us know what you come up with!